While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
