Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
