God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
