i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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