I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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