im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
