i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
