I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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