dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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