My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
