can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
