if i died would you start the facebook group?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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