Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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