I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Randomize
