apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
