there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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