Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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