Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Never underestimate the power of titties
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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