I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
