im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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