As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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