yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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