The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dating After Heartbreak
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...