just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?