Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
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You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
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Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!