There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol