My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
