best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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