so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
