omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
