Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
