Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
