I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
