so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
