my phone needs a breathalizer
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
