DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
