i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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