i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
