matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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