Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
