so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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