Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
