Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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