can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
