We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
