i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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