Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
