Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day