I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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