Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
