dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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