I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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