Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
