Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
