I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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