I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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