this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
